On February 1st 2024, The Guardian asked 16 questions of etiquette. Here's our take.
A hyped restaurant is walk-ins only, no bookings. Are you prepared to queue?
Probably not. If I see that walking down the street, and I really want to eat. I'll walk on by.
Dogs allowed in the dining room?
For accessibility, of course. Otherwise 99 times out of 100 it’s a no. But assistance dogs are exceptions. Probably about 1 pawcent.
Are booking deposits and charges for no-shows acceptable?
Yeah, pretty much. It's not as if they cost an arm and a leg. Mind you, at Hannibal's, the Silence of the Lambs theme restaurant, there might be unfortunate misunderstandings on that front.
You want to take a birthday cake to a restaurant. Is a ‘cakeage’ charge justifiable?
Hopefully decent etiquette means someone would offer anyway. But as we can’t assume everyone’s decent, it sadly isn't really on to just have your cake and eat it. And have your cake. And eat it.
Would you support restaurants banning phones in the dining room?
No. But like many other things - pre-stressed concrete, leather underwear and Coldplay, I support not seeing or hearing them in use.
Are dress codes acceptable?
Yes. Wear dresses. And put codes on them. I'm going for one with lots of zips.
Is it reasonable for restaurants to ban children under 12?
I’d ban parents with emotional quotients under 12.
Time-limited table sittings of, say, 90 minutes?
It’s down to framing isn't it? A virtual stopwatch and glowering staff hovering like Crowley and Aziraphale? Nope. But - “We don’t want to rush you, but to help keep our prices where they are, we hope you can understand we might need your table after 90 minutes. We’ll let you know when when you arrive.”
Should adults be allowed to eat from the children’s menu?
There are more than enough entitled kidults as it is. Be smart. Design a half-size set of dishes at a sensible price point. And make the children’s dishes properly childish so the adult toddlers' egos will win over their wallets .
You can’t find a website, a menu or prices online for that hip new restaurant. Are you fine with that?
It’s going to happen. But keep it simple. Another story is QR code-fail rage. That's leaves me Quietly Raging.
Is it OK for coffee shops that serve brunch to ban laptops at weekends?
It sounds ideal, Whoever saw a laptop order avocado toast, anyway?
There is no salt and pepper on the table. Does that annoy you?
I trust the chef. I don't need them because I'm a seasoned diner, Ho ho!
Is it acceptable for restaurants to charge for sauces and condiments?
It’s down to framing isn't it? You look mean if there's nada. You look like Burger King if there's two sachets of ketchup. So - “We don’t provide complimentary sauces to cut down on the risk of waste. We’re delighted to offer you unlimited sauces for a small charge, just let us know.”
Is it OK to ask a chef to change a dish because you dislike an ingredient?
It’s OK to wonder and enquire. It’s not OK to try to rewrite the recipe to suit yourself because you don't want frozen peas in your spanish omelette. That's just not cricket. Even if you don't want to eat cricket.
You’ve ordered wine. Should the bottle be left within reach so you can serve yourself, or parked six metres away?
Unless the service is of the highest pòssbile level, it tends to feel intrusive. And no waiter wants the customers on their knees begging for the bottle, do they? Or dooo they?
Should restaurants turn the music down?
Yes, mostly. There’s research to be done on the volume and genres which make you wanna dance with somebody. So turn it down. Unless it's the Backstreet Boys. For those lads, crank Spotify up to 12. Why? I think I thought I heard you ask.
Because I want it that way.
Images created by DALL-E